Praise God that He is still working on me! I am ashamed to say that, years back when I started this online public journaling of how the Holy Spirit was moving in me I got to moment where He continued to reveal an area of my life where I have been silent. And like I have almost always done, I failed to respond. In fact, I stopped journaling altogether. I am hoping that this time I will respond and work through the hard stuff for His glory.
He blessed me richly and I was surrounded by such awesome Christian brothers in sisters while I lived in Colorado. I mentally battled through much of the deeper parts of me, but see now that I tried to do all the work. I - not Him.
Another move. A big move. I am starting again in a new town with my husband halfway around the world. It is easy for me right now to become mechanical about my daily life. I am in survival mode. But it pains me to let more time pass. To waste away the days that I need to be deeper in the movings of the Holy Spirit in my life. Who knows that this move is for the purpose to isolate me to a place for such a time as this. A place to find the beauty of God where it is not as obvious me. I love the mountains. Always have, especially having grown up in the Smokies. And my new home is far from my last location in the Rocky Mountains. I want to make good use of this special time of my life to see His power in more than just the landscape He created. I want to feel and see His power in hearts changed - my heart. And while my location is not resort-like, He has moved me in the vicinity of family who love me regardless. My family will see to it that I am not entirely isolated. I want to start anew and get back to the habitual pleasure of journaling that God is alive and and how I seem Him working around and in and through me. Please pray for me as I open the door for the work of the Spirit.
I love these song lyrics & pray them over my home.
Holy Spirit you are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory God is what my heart longs for.
Lord, when I am in your presence un-do me. Make all things new.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbiXtC0EZQU
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, August 20, 2011
The Way
So it is pitiful that since I started my new job, I've been "too busy" to have any heart awareness. I am definitely one who struggles with balance. Seems like spare minutes are filled with chores or me just wanting to hang out with Dave and watched Redbox rentals. Ha. Actually, there have been a consistent issue that seems to keep my mind and heart busy. My role as a parent in guiding my children and choosing for them.
Train up a child in the way he should go. And when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
I had never really thought about the depth of that verse until I was listening to the Dave Ramsey segment "Working in your Strengths". The way he should go has really only ever meant to me that there is basically one way - good, righteous, virtuous, God-believing....and so forth. I have never, until recently, realized that it means the way He should go - recognizing what is divinely unique about him that leads him to a life that God designed him for.
As a child, teenager, young adult - all of my life really, I've looked to the parents in my life for direction. The infamous "what should I do" question posed to various parental figures was usually responded with: "Whatever you want. You can do anything". While that is not bad and actually is blanket support, I look back and realize that I usually floundered still. It took me a while to find direction. Now there are life lessons to learn while floundering, but there sure is a lot resources wasted in the meantime.
I look back and realize what I would tell my 16 yr old self or my 20 year old self...and honestly, I don't think it is that much it is that much different from what I would tell my 5 year old self. What Dave Ramsay said was "we don't outgrow our personalities. we grow in our strengths". For me, a light went on! The way I should go was already pre-determined when I was being knit together in my mother's womb. While I could have been a great many things, there are things in life that are perfect for me and the unique person that I am.
Now, I think my role as a parent is to help my kids recognize their strengths and the things about them that are unique for them given to them by their Maker. When they flounder and ask where they should go to school and what they should do with their life, I will strive to be more specific. I hope to lead them down a life where they make choices with how to spend their time in ways that makes it feel like they are always on a vacation because I think we are happiest when we are doing our life's work.
This idea has made me look at them differently now. What their personalities are now won't waiver far in the years to come. One of the many things I know about Benjamin is his need for structure. His list of "what he wants to be" all includes professions that wear a uniform and involve honor. It shouldn't have surprised me that he was excited about wearing a school uniform to the new school this week. As I journal about my kids, I am going to focus more on pointing out who they are so I can help them in the way they should go.
Train up a child in the way he should go. And when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
I had never really thought about the depth of that verse until I was listening to the Dave Ramsey segment "Working in your Strengths". The way he should go has really only ever meant to me that there is basically one way - good, righteous, virtuous, God-believing....and so forth. I have never, until recently, realized that it means the way He should go - recognizing what is divinely unique about him that leads him to a life that God designed him for.
As a child, teenager, young adult - all of my life really, I've looked to the parents in my life for direction. The infamous "what should I do" question posed to various parental figures was usually responded with: "Whatever you want. You can do anything". While that is not bad and actually is blanket support, I look back and realize that I usually floundered still. It took me a while to find direction. Now there are life lessons to learn while floundering, but there sure is a lot resources wasted in the meantime.
I look back and realize what I would tell my 16 yr old self or my 20 year old self...and honestly, I don't think it is that much it is that much different from what I would tell my 5 year old self. What Dave Ramsay said was "we don't outgrow our personalities. we grow in our strengths". For me, a light went on! The way I should go was already pre-determined when I was being knit together in my mother's womb. While I could have been a great many things, there are things in life that are perfect for me and the unique person that I am.
Now, I think my role as a parent is to help my kids recognize their strengths and the things about them that are unique for them given to them by their Maker. When they flounder and ask where they should go to school and what they should do with their life, I will strive to be more specific. I hope to lead them down a life where they make choices with how to spend their time in ways that makes it feel like they are always on a vacation because I think we are happiest when we are doing our life's work.
This idea has made me look at them differently now. What their personalities are now won't waiver far in the years to come. One of the many things I know about Benjamin is his need for structure. His list of "what he wants to be" all includes professions that wear a uniform and involve honor. It shouldn't have surprised me that he was excited about wearing a school uniform to the new school this week. As I journal about my kids, I am going to focus more on pointing out who they are so I can help them in the way they should go.
Monday, July 4, 2011
In Spite of..
Well if you know me, I love a clean car. My standards have lowered over the years since I have kids riding along, but I think I still have a pretty big standard of what is clean. Since I recently was hired at the hospital, I've had to take on the challenge of learning to drive the stick shift so the parent at home can haul the kiddos.
Amazingly enough I've learned. I've tried multiple times in my life frustrating my dad and my aunt and my new husband along the way. So after about 10 years since I last tried, I succeeded - Dave succeeded. Now I am starting to feel a little ownership in our "beater" (we inherited from his parents who inherited it from their daughter) and went out to give it a good cleaning today. It was like I was 16 all over again loving on my little Nissan. Ha ha. Well, it was really the type A in me who knew I had reached my limit of tolerating the filth. Seriously it is a lesson in not eating McDonalds because the food still looks like it was bought today. Fortunately, I learned more than that though.
I went in and told my husband it was cleaner but it needs professional help. I am pretty good, but not that good. And since he is one to appreciate affirmation of my love for him I proceeded with something along the lines of how I love him in spite of his flaws. And while this next compliment may not be the best if should be considered in high regard:) I proceeded to tell him that he should know I loved him because 10 years ago, I would have pushed him off after I rode in his car or any car of his family. It was not uncommon for me to just to not commit myself to someone for the long term if I couldn't see myself tolerating the living conditions. I loved him despite his messy car:) I wanted to be with him even if it meant sitting in a car with McDonalds' food ground into the carpet and crumbs in the crevices. I laugh as I write this out loud, but I do have a point.
God must think this of me all the time. He loves me despite my filth. He loves me despite the crumbs stuck forever in my crevices. He just wants to be with me. And the best thing is that He is the detailing professional and He can clean out all that junk.
Thanks Dave for being the object of my lesson. I truly love you and your family and the messy cars:)
Amazingly enough I've learned. I've tried multiple times in my life frustrating my dad and my aunt and my new husband along the way. So after about 10 years since I last tried, I succeeded - Dave succeeded. Now I am starting to feel a little ownership in our "beater" (we inherited from his parents who inherited it from their daughter) and went out to give it a good cleaning today. It was like I was 16 all over again loving on my little Nissan. Ha ha. Well, it was really the type A in me who knew I had reached my limit of tolerating the filth. Seriously it is a lesson in not eating McDonalds because the food still looks like it was bought today. Fortunately, I learned more than that though.
I went in and told my husband it was cleaner but it needs professional help. I am pretty good, but not that good. And since he is one to appreciate affirmation of my love for him I proceeded with something along the lines of how I love him in spite of his flaws. And while this next compliment may not be the best if should be considered in high regard:) I proceeded to tell him that he should know I loved him because 10 years ago, I would have pushed him off after I rode in his car or any car of his family. It was not uncommon for me to just to not commit myself to someone for the long term if I couldn't see myself tolerating the living conditions. I loved him despite his messy car:) I wanted to be with him even if it meant sitting in a car with McDonalds' food ground into the carpet and crumbs in the crevices. I laugh as I write this out loud, but I do have a point.
God must think this of me all the time. He loves me despite my filth. He loves me despite the crumbs stuck forever in my crevices. He just wants to be with me. And the best thing is that He is the detailing professional and He can clean out all that junk.
Thanks Dave for being the object of my lesson. I truly love you and your family and the messy cars:)
Self - Inventory
I've been hit hard today. A beating I truly deserve. And something I am going to have to process for days to come. But I just love how when God speaks, He really gets the message delivered. Between the sermon today and the un-ignorable urge to pick up Crazy Love again after weeks, I just find it amazing that I am getting the same lesson preached to me.
The sermon series at church as been on the book of James for the last several weeks. Unfortunately, I miss out on most of the messages since my Baby girl hates the nursery. By some miracle today, she survived longer than most days, which afforded me the chance to hear todays sermon. James tells us in chapter 2 that faith without action is USELESS. It's like a screen door on a submarine as Rich Mullins sang. As the minister, Adam Ormord said today, we are really good at covering up the stinch of what is really rotting underneath. We are good at appearing Christian, but don't fully live it. When we do act, we are selective. We serve ourselves. We don't freely give and freely love as Christ did.
I can say that I honestly feel compelled to give and act, but then my reasoning wins over. "I couldn't possibly serve in that way. I have my own kids to take care of". "I can't pack up and travel to places like Joplin and help with the disaster." It seems like things I really want to do and saw myself doing when I was training to be a nurse, become impossible because I have other responsibilities elsewhere. While some of that is true and understandable, I think I am gotten too comfortable with excusing myself from doing more. There are so many gifts I know God has given me that I am not using. There are so many things I have a passion for that I have intended to use for God, but have not. The church is not the building. The church isn't the Christian congregation. It is a movement of the followers of Jesus Christ. And unfortunately, there is not a whole lot of movement because of people like me.
In my reading of Crazy Love tonight, Francis Chan says God isn't interested in those who fake it and recalls the parable of the sower. He believes, that "American churchgoers are the soil that chokes the seed". Then he questions if we are truly in love with Christ. I think if we were, I wouldn't feel even the smallest hesitation with being compelled to act on my faith. I am just dawdling. Another good word for that is LUKEWARM. I never really thought of myself as lukewarm until I read all the many descriptors of someone who is lukewarm as Francis Chan describes them.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you - unless, of course, you fail the test?" 2 Corinthians 13:5
These kind of self-inventories are never pleasant. But they are necessary for radical transformation. My desire in all the blogging is to communicate the ways in which God is transforming me. I cannot be lukewarm and call Jesus my savior. I cannot be lukewarm have love the Lord my God. My faith needs to entail more. I can't be part of what is "choking the seed" or "covering the stinch".
The sermon series at church as been on the book of James for the last several weeks. Unfortunately, I miss out on most of the messages since my Baby girl hates the nursery. By some miracle today, she survived longer than most days, which afforded me the chance to hear todays sermon. James tells us in chapter 2 that faith without action is USELESS. It's like a screen door on a submarine as Rich Mullins sang. As the minister, Adam Ormord said today, we are really good at covering up the stinch of what is really rotting underneath. We are good at appearing Christian, but don't fully live it. When we do act, we are selective. We serve ourselves. We don't freely give and freely love as Christ did.
I can say that I honestly feel compelled to give and act, but then my reasoning wins over. "I couldn't possibly serve in that way. I have my own kids to take care of". "I can't pack up and travel to places like Joplin and help with the disaster." It seems like things I really want to do and saw myself doing when I was training to be a nurse, become impossible because I have other responsibilities elsewhere. While some of that is true and understandable, I think I am gotten too comfortable with excusing myself from doing more. There are so many gifts I know God has given me that I am not using. There are so many things I have a passion for that I have intended to use for God, but have not. The church is not the building. The church isn't the Christian congregation. It is a movement of the followers of Jesus Christ. And unfortunately, there is not a whole lot of movement because of people like me.
In my reading of Crazy Love tonight, Francis Chan says God isn't interested in those who fake it and recalls the parable of the sower. He believes, that "American churchgoers are the soil that chokes the seed". Then he questions if we are truly in love with Christ. I think if we were, I wouldn't feel even the smallest hesitation with being compelled to act on my faith. I am just dawdling. Another good word for that is LUKEWARM. I never really thought of myself as lukewarm until I read all the many descriptors of someone who is lukewarm as Francis Chan describes them.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you - unless, of course, you fail the test?" 2 Corinthians 13:5
These kind of self-inventories are never pleasant. But they are necessary for radical transformation. My desire in all the blogging is to communicate the ways in which God is transforming me. I cannot be lukewarm and call Jesus my savior. I cannot be lukewarm have love the Lord my God. My faith needs to entail more. I can't be part of what is "choking the seed" or "covering the stinch".
Monday, June 6, 2011
Answered Prayer
So last week, I was feeling pretty discouraged. I have been job searching with no luck. Every time I discovered one, it would go quickly. Honestly, I'm fortunate in that I can be a little picky. I am not required to work, I do it because I love it. But at the same time I know that I am not really in a position to pick any job I want because my experience is limited. I don't have a lot to say for myself in my 5 years as a nurse since we have moved 3 times and had 3 kids in the process. For once, we are finally somewhere long enough where I am wanting to dive it and really put in some good work.
Anyways, in the pit of my discouragement I prayed that God would open the door for me by Friday. And that door would be the right position for me and my family at this time. So along came Thursday night...nothing. And I thought - ok I can wait it out, if I am really am wanting the right fit for me a deadline by Friday may not have been reasonable.
I sat down to blog on Friday morning - the financial peace blurb - and in the middle I received a call for an interview! I was elated. I hung up and was shocked when I remembered it was Friday! Praise God. He answered my prayer. He must have known of how little my faith was that He needed to respond.
Sometimes His answer to prayer is not what we want. He will answer, but the answer wasn't what we were hoping. In a sermon recently, my preacher quoted someone(???) as saying: He will answer with yes, no and grow. It's all in His timing. While the door opened and I received the chance to interview, I am still waiting it out. I am so encouraged though and think it would be a wonderful position. I am hopeful that He continues to work His hands and provide this opportunity.
So for today, I don't really have any deep thoughts. A story of God's work is such wonderful encouragement for all of us. In every transition of my life (and there are lot's), He has always provided. He has always been faithful.
Anyways, in the pit of my discouragement I prayed that God would open the door for me by Friday. And that door would be the right position for me and my family at this time. So along came Thursday night...nothing. And I thought - ok I can wait it out, if I am really am wanting the right fit for me a deadline by Friday may not have been reasonable.
I sat down to blog on Friday morning - the financial peace blurb - and in the middle I received a call for an interview! I was elated. I hung up and was shocked when I remembered it was Friday! Praise God. He answered my prayer. He must have known of how little my faith was that He needed to respond.
Sometimes His answer to prayer is not what we want. He will answer, but the answer wasn't what we were hoping. In a sermon recently, my preacher quoted someone(???) as saying: He will answer with yes, no and grow. It's all in His timing. While the door opened and I received the chance to interview, I am still waiting it out. I am so encouraged though and think it would be a wonderful position. I am hopeful that He continues to work His hands and provide this opportunity.
So for today, I don't really have any deep thoughts. A story of God's work is such wonderful encouragement for all of us. In every transition of my life (and there are lot's), He has always provided. He has always been faithful.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Peace
Today is one of those kinds of days where I think - which issue about myself do I need to take a GOOD HARD look at. What am I avoiding? Yuk. I know the answer to this.
I am probably most avoiding my work with Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We're half way in to the program and now it is getting hard. I am to that point where I am watching dollars and creating the monthly budget. Guess what? I can't do anything I want or buy anything I want. Ha. I have successfully managed to disillusion myself.
Dave Ramsey said something that totally stopped my tracks in the Cash Flow Planning video a few weeks back and it's been on my mind since. "The blessings of the Lord have no sorrow". He gave an example of a couple who came into the office in financial stress and in looking at their budget pointed out that they had a car payment of half their monthly income. Their response was that it was a gift from God. How often do we make things "work" and call it a miracle or blessing. I think I've gotten really good at making a way for what I want, too.
It's so easy to compare ourselves to others to make ourselves feel better. But in the American culture, there are so few financially stable couples that finding someone to truly compare ourselves to and put ourselves in our proper place is not likely. We can make ourselves look pretty good compared to most.
I was reading another chapter of Crazy Love today. While he wasn't addressing financial peace, he was talking of comparison. "It is easy to become disillusioned with the circumstances of our lives compared to others. But in the presence of God, He gives us a deeper peace and joy that transcends it all". Peace and joy are much different than a life of burden and sorrow brought on my own doing.
So I am writing out-loud my secret failings. Contentment. Diligence. Discipline. For this I pray.
I am probably most avoiding my work with Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We're half way in to the program and now it is getting hard. I am to that point where I am watching dollars and creating the monthly budget. Guess what? I can't do anything I want or buy anything I want. Ha. I have successfully managed to disillusion myself.
Dave Ramsey said something that totally stopped my tracks in the Cash Flow Planning video a few weeks back and it's been on my mind since. "The blessings of the Lord have no sorrow". He gave an example of a couple who came into the office in financial stress and in looking at their budget pointed out that they had a car payment of half their monthly income. Their response was that it was a gift from God. How often do we make things "work" and call it a miracle or blessing. I think I've gotten really good at making a way for what I want, too.
It's so easy to compare ourselves to others to make ourselves feel better. But in the American culture, there are so few financially stable couples that finding someone to truly compare ourselves to and put ourselves in our proper place is not likely. We can make ourselves look pretty good compared to most.
I was reading another chapter of Crazy Love today. While he wasn't addressing financial peace, he was talking of comparison. "It is easy to become disillusioned with the circumstances of our lives compared to others. But in the presence of God, He gives us a deeper peace and joy that transcends it all". Peace and joy are much different than a life of burden and sorrow brought on my own doing.
So I am writing out-loud my secret failings. Contentment. Diligence. Discipline. For this I pray.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Good Work
Philipians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus
If I actually complete and publish this post, that's 2 today...not that anyone is counting or that I am trying to break a record, but I'm overflowing with the movement of His spirit today. Honestly, I am having a hard time choosing what to write. This verse started to ease it's way into my mind as I was feeding lunch to the kids and getting them into bed for nap. And it was still there after I did my cardio. I can't help respond and process what is going on in my heart.
First, I find this hopeful and further encouraging that He is still working on me. And that from the beginning I was "good". In the beginning, He created ______ and it was good. Good is a big word when it's the qualifying term for the fact the the Earth was spinning at exactly the right speed and on the right angle such that we don't burn from the sun or fly off into space. Or for the fact that the oceans rise and fall perfectly. Or for the fact that land and the vegetation it produces sustains all of life. Or for the fact that He created a kazillion variety of amazing species. Or for the the fact that it was "good" when the mankind He created was in His image. So the work created in me was also "good"!??! Yes! I can hardly do an inner look or a glance in the mirror and call myself good. Along the way I have been mangled and scarred, but He continues to mold and change me until completion. And in the end, I will be complete. My story - my trials, my failures, my victories, my grievances, my hardships will all come together for a beautiful picture of His work.
In the last handful of years, I have been "surviving". Moving 3 times and having 3 babies has kind of put me in a "survival mode". I know 100% that God has been there. He has provided. He has blessed. But I have been feeding and supplying all the extensions of the vine and not the roots. It seems to be the downfall of mothering. We are so lovingly sacrificial that we forget ourselves. If I continue on this path, there won't even be anything for my fruit to draw from. I find that that this is a common theme among mothers. I heard it at the retreat I most recently attended with the women of my church. I heard it at the mothers at MOPS. And now that I reflect more honestly on it, I feel like I am having been comforted with the lies and excuses we make for ourselves as mothers. The most common response is "it's the season". So while I understand that child rearing and middle-age career drives takes it's toll, there should never be a season when we don't REMAIN IN HIM. I need a California kind of growing season.
So here I am saying, please Dear God continue to do a good work in me.
If I actually complete and publish this post, that's 2 today...not that anyone is counting or that I am trying to break a record, but I'm overflowing with the movement of His spirit today. Honestly, I am having a hard time choosing what to write. This verse started to ease it's way into my mind as I was feeding lunch to the kids and getting them into bed for nap. And it was still there after I did my cardio. I can't help respond and process what is going on in my heart.
First, I find this hopeful and further encouraging that He is still working on me. And that from the beginning I was "good". In the beginning, He created ______ and it was good. Good is a big word when it's the qualifying term for the fact the the Earth was spinning at exactly the right speed and on the right angle such that we don't burn from the sun or fly off into space. Or for the fact that the oceans rise and fall perfectly. Or for the fact that land and the vegetation it produces sustains all of life. Or for the fact that He created a kazillion variety of amazing species. Or for the the fact that it was "good" when the mankind He created was in His image. So the work created in me was also "good"!??! Yes! I can hardly do an inner look or a glance in the mirror and call myself good. Along the way I have been mangled and scarred, but He continues to mold and change me until completion. And in the end, I will be complete. My story - my trials, my failures, my victories, my grievances, my hardships will all come together for a beautiful picture of His work.
In the last handful of years, I have been "surviving". Moving 3 times and having 3 babies has kind of put me in a "survival mode". I know 100% that God has been there. He has provided. He has blessed. But I have been feeding and supplying all the extensions of the vine and not the roots. It seems to be the downfall of mothering. We are so lovingly sacrificial that we forget ourselves. If I continue on this path, there won't even be anything for my fruit to draw from. I find that that this is a common theme among mothers. I heard it at the retreat I most recently attended with the women of my church. I heard it at the mothers at MOPS. And now that I reflect more honestly on it, I feel like I am having been comforted with the lies and excuses we make for ourselves as mothers. The most common response is "it's the season". So while I understand that child rearing and middle-age career drives takes it's toll, there should never be a season when we don't REMAIN IN HIM. I need a California kind of growing season.
So here I am saying, please Dear God continue to do a good work in me.
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